Elephant Balls
by ThreadbareSP
Summary: When a strict sub takes over for an ailing Mr. Garrison, the kids rally to help pay for his surgery. But raising money for scrotal elephantitis isn't as easy as it sounds. Meanwhile, five-year-old Becca has a crush on Kenny.  TSP Episode #109
1. Scrotal Elephantitis is Not a Joke

**"Elephant Balls"**

_NOTE: I don't own_ South Park_, but I wish I did. This piece is written in the form of a script. It includes the original characters Charlie and Becca Pierzynski (see "The Charlie Arc" for more details), and it takes place in the spring of third grade. It's rated T for language and mild sexual references. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. Mr. Garrison speaks Mr. Hat's lines._

* * *

><p><strong>Part 1. Scrotal Elephantitis is Not a Joke<strong>

* * *

><p>ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL SOUTH PARK CHARACTERS' LINES ARE REPRODUCED BY PROJECT B...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.<p>

_The kids are in their classroom, looking extremely distracted. Mr. Garrison stands at the board, which has drawings of a carrot, a potato, a tomato, an ear of corn, and a stalk of celery. Mr. Garrison has Mr. Hat on one hand and his other hand is holding his groin._

Mr. Garrison: …So that's how you can tell a fruit from a vegetable. Are there any questions? Yes, Clyde?

Clyde: Is a pumpkin a fruit or a vegetable?

Mr. Garrison: Yes.

_Clyde stares at him. Mr. Garrison begins to erase the board._

Mr. Garrison: So for tonight's homework, I want you all to go home and write a short essay—

Class: Aw…

Mr. Garrison: -on how to tell the difference between a fruit and a vegetable and why healthy food always tastes like garbage.

Stan: But Mr. Garrison, we wrote an essay last night, and—

Mr. Garrison: [Sharply] I don't want to hear any complaints! Now get out of here, my balls are killing me!

_The kids get out of their desks and leave the classroom. Mr. Garrison closes his eyes and winces._

Mr. Garrison: …Owww…

_Mr. Garrison hurries to the bathroom as the kids are leaving school. He steps into a stall and pulls down his pants and looks down- he appears to be examining something._

Mr. Garrison: Sweet baby Jesus.

Mr. Hat: I really think you should see a doctor about that, Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison: [Sigh.] You're probably right, Mr. Hat.

* * *

><p><em>The four boys and Charlie get off the bus and start walking toward their homes.<em>

Stan: Jeez, I wish Mr. Garrison didn't have to be such a douche.

Kyle: I know! I can't believe we have to write another dumb essay.

Cartman: Especially on fruit and vegetables. That's _hella_ lame.

Kyle: Yeah, especially for you, Cartman. I bet you've never even eaten a vegetable before.

Cartman: Yeah-huh, I've had corn on the cob. And French fries count as vegetables now too. Hooray for the Supreme Court!

Charlie: I don't know what I'm going to write. I wasn't paying attention all day 'cause Mr. Garrison kept holding onto his wiener. It was very distracting.

Stan: Yeah, that was weird. Do you think he had to go to the bathroom or something?

Kenny: (Maybe he was jacking off in class.)

Kyle: Well, do you guys want to go to my house and work on our essays?

Cartman: We could do that. _Or_ we could go to _my_ house and watch TV.

Stan: Sounds good.

Cartman: Except not Charlie, because she's a pussy little girl.

Charlie: Aw…

Stan: Fuck you, Cartman. Charlie can come if she wants.

Cartman: No she can't, damn it!

* * *

><p><em>At Cartman's house, Cartman, Stan, and Kyle sit on the couch while Kenny and Charlie sit on the ground. They are watching TV. Cartman has his arms crossed and is scowling.<em>

Cartman: Sometimes I feel like nobody actually cares what I want.

Stan: That's 'cause we don't.

Cartman: [Sigh.] I hate you guys.

_Becca skips into the room, followed by Ms. Cartman. Becca holds Mr. Bananapants (her stuffed monkey) under her arm and a few letters in her hands._

Becca: Hello Kenny! Hello Eric! Hi Charlie! Hello Kyle and Stan!

Charlie: Hey Beck.

Ms. Cartman: Next Sunday is little Becca's birthday.

Stan: [Not looking away from the TV] That's nice.

Becca: I'm having a party. It's monkey-themed. [She begins to distribute invitations.] You are all invited.

Ms. Cartman: Kyle, Kenny, if your little siblings would like to come, they are invited too.

Becca: We're going to play "hot banana" and "pin-the-tail-on-the-monkey." It will be awesome.

_Ms. Cartman walks out of the room. Becca sits down next to Kenny and smiles at him._

Becca: I really just want _you_ to come to my birthday party, Kenny. I don't care if anybody else comes, as long as _you_ do.

_Kenny scoots a few inches away from her._

Cartman: Uh-oh, looks like Becca's got a boner for Kenny.

Charlie: Hey, watch your mouth around my sister, smart-ass!

_Becca scoots closer to Kenny again._

Stan: Hey, watch it around Kenny, Becca. He's a heartbreaker.

Cartman: He treats women like disposable tissues. He'll use you, then he'll just throw you away.

Kyle: He's just after some easy tail.

Stan: What's "tail"?

Kyle: I dunno, but Kenny says girls have it, and he wants it.

Charlie: Knock it off guys. She's five.

Becca: I'm still four 'til next Sunday.

_She leans against Kenny, still staring up at him and smiling. Kenny looks uncomfortable._

* * *

><p><em>Mr. Garrison is standing in the waiting room at a clinic, reading a magazine.<em>

Receptionist: You can take a seat if you'd like, Mr. Garrison. It might be a few minutes.

Mr. Garrison: Uh, no, that's alright. I'd rather stand.

Receptionist: Suit yourself.

_Mr. Garrison keeps looking at the magazine. There's a picture of Ryan Gosling._

Mr. Hat: [murmuring] That's a fine piece of ass right there.

Mr. Garrison: [whispering in an admonishing tone] Mr. Hat! Not in public!

_Mr. Garrison glances down at a little girl and her mom who are sitting nearby. The mom takes her daughter's hand and they scoot a few seats away._

Mr. Garrison: I'm sorry about him, ma'am. Mr. Hat just doesn't always know [glaring at Mr. Hat] when to _shut the hell up_.

Nurse: [stepping through the door to the waiting room] Mr. Garrison? We're ready for you.

_Mr. Garrison walks out of the waiting room with the nurse._

* * *

><p><em>Mr. Garrison sits on the examination table in a gown. (Mr. Hat is also in a little gown.) There is a doctor standing nearby, reviewing some notes on a clipboard.<em>

Doctor: There's definitely something wrong, alright. This is the most bizarre scrotal infection I've seen in years.

Mr. Garrison: Oh God. Do you know what it is?

Doctor: Not yet. The swelling is quite abnormal, and there's enough build-up of dead tissue that this doesn't appear to be a simple rash or virus. I've never seen anything quite like it. [He looks over his notes again.] I can't think of what it could possibly—Oh. Oh God.

Mr. Garrison: What is it?

Doctor: Mr. Garrison, have you ever been to South America?

Mr. Garrison: Well, I did take a vacation in Peru once, but, God, that must have been six years ago.

Doctor: I see. Well, for now, we can run a few urine tests, but if they come back negative for all the common possibilities, I'm afraid you'll have to stay at the hospital overnight so we can take a blood sample for something… different.

* * *

><p><em>The kids enter their classroom the next day. Mr. Garrison isn't there. Instead, a heavy-set, stern-looking woman in her fifties stands solemnly at the front of the class.<em>

Cartman: Yes! Substitute! This is going to be awesome!

Kenny: (I'll start making spit-balls.)

Kyle: At 8:40, everyone say that you have to go to the bathroom.

Several nearby students: Yeah!

Mrs. Grimm: [In a thundering, somewhat masculine voice] Silence!

_Everyone immediately stops talking. Mrs. Grimm writes her name on the blackboard._

Mrs. Grimm: I realize that I am a substitute teacher, and that little brats like you find it _amusing_ to make things difficult for substitute teachers, but I am letting you know _now_ that I _will not tolerate_ misconduct at any time. You will be sent immediately to the principal's office. Consider this your warning. Now, allow me to go over the rules of my classroom.

Bebe: Mrs. Grimm? Where's Mr. Garrison?

Mrs. Grimm: Young lady, what is your name?

Bebe: Bebe Stevens.

Mrs. Grimm (writing something on a sheet of paper): Miss Stevens, you have spoken out of turn. Please report to the principal's office immediately.

_Bebe sheepishly walks to the front of the room, takes the note from Mrs. Grimm, and walks out of the room._

Stan (whispering to Kyle): Whoa, she really means it.

Mrs. Grimm: And what is your name, young man?

Stan: …Eric Cartman.

Cartman: Hey! He's lying!

Mrs. Grimm: Oh? And what's _your_ name?

Cartman: Oh. I'm Kyle Broflovski, ma'am.

Kyle: No he isn't! [Pointing at Stan] That's Stan Marsh, [pointing at Cartman] that's Eric Cartman, and I'm Kyle Broflovski.

Mrs. Grimm: Well, all three of you can head down to the principal's office.

Charlie: That's not fair! Kyle just—

Mrs. Grimm: And you, young man.

_Kenny starts laughing._

Charlie: I'm not a boy. I'm—

Mrs. Grimm: Go! And you! [Pointing at Kenny] There is to be no laughter in this classroom!

_Kenny walks out after them. They all walk down the hall toward the principal's office._

Stan: Wow, what a bitch.

Cartman: Seriously, she needs to get that pinecone out of her ass.

_They sit down outside of the principal's office and wait for her to finish with Bebe. A few seconds later, Clyde and Butters walk up and stand next to them (since they're out of chairs to wait in)._

Kyle: Already? What did you do?

Clyde: I sneezed into my hands instead of a tissue.

Butters: I said, "Bless you."

_Bebe walks out of the principal's office and stares at the seven of them._

Bebe: Wow, that substitute really is a bitch, isn't she?

Stan: Yeah.

_Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Charlie all enter the principal's office. Principal Victoria is writing on a notepad on her desk. She looks up and sees the kids, then she sighs._

Principal Victoria: Oh boy. What did you kids do this time?

_There's a brief pause._

Kyle: We don't know.

Victoria: Very funny. Now why were you sent here?

Stan (more slowly than Kyle): We don't know.

Victoria: Well, give me that note. [Stan hands her the note from Mrs. Grimm.] It says here that you were talking out of turn and… laughing.

Stan: See? We didn't do anything. That substitute's just a jerk.

Victoria: Your substitute is not a jerk. She just has different rules. It'll all pan out once you kids get used to them.

Charlie: But—

Victoria: I don't want to hear it. You kids ought to learn to respect your teachers anyhow. Now, this time, I'll let you off with a warning. But if I see you down here again, it's detention for all of you. Understand?

_The kids walk out of the office, where they see that there are six or seven kids from class waiting in the hall._

* * *

><p><em>Mr. Garrison sits in a hospital bed in a gown. (Mr. Hat is also in a gown.) A doctor enters the room with a clipboard.<em>

Doctor: The test results are in. I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Mr. Garrison: Give it to me straight, Doc.

Doctor: You have elephantitis in your scrotum and testes.

Mr. Garrison: Wha—Elephantitis? In my balls?

Doctor: Yes, in your balls.

Mr. Garrison: Well… that's good, isn't it? Giant balls?

Doctor: I'm afraid it's not nearly as good as it sounds. [He peeks under Mr. Garrison's gown.] It appears to be quite infected. It's possible that surgery will be necessary to remove all this built-up fluid and scar tissue. And the pus. There's a lot of pus down here.

Mr. Garrison: Oh no.

_The doctor leans in further._

Doctor: Yep. You'll definitely need surgery.

Mr. Garrison: This can't be happening!

Mr. Hat: I told you, Mr. Garrison. I've been telling you for the last three months, "You really ought to get that checked out, Mr. Garrison." But no, it was always, "I'm fine," or "I'll just use some of that topical cream from the drugstore and it'll all calm down."

Mr. Garrison (angrily): You're not helping, Mr. Hat.

Doctor (still looking under the gown): Seriously, have you ever heard of soap?

Mr. Garrison: How on earth could this have happened?

Doctor (standing upright again): Well, it's most likely that you contracted the disease through a mosquito bite in Peru.

Mr. Garrison: But that was years ago!

Doctor: The microbes that cause elephantitis can exist in your bloodstream for up to eight years without manifesting themselves how they have here. Fortunately, with simple antibiotics, a few intravenous injections, and, of course, scrotal surgery, it is entirely treatable.

Mr. Garrison: Well, when can I have the surgery? I'm a schoolteacher, and it's hard on my students if I'm gone for too long.

Doctor: We could operate tomorrow, apart from one problem.

Mr. Garrison: What's that?

Doctor: Well, it appears that your insurance plan specifically excludes any surgery or treatment of the genital region.

Mr. Garrison (sighing): Oh dear. So how much will it cost?

Doctor: Thirty thousand dollars.

Mr. Garrison: Thirty thousand dollars? I'm an elementary school teacher for Christ's sake! I don't have thirty thousand dollars!

Doctor: Well that's too bad, because until you come up with thirty thousand dollars, we can't operate.

_The doctor walks out of the room. Mr. Garrison lies back in the bed._

Mr. Hat: It looks like I'm going to have to start working the streets again, Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, I can't let you do that to yourself again.

Mr. Hat: Well, how else are we going to raise all that money?

Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Mr. Hat. I just don't know.


	2. Becca's Boyfriend

**"Elephant Balls"**

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><p><strong>Part 2. Becca's Boyfriend<strong>

* * *

><p><em>The next morning, Charlie and the boys walk down the hallway.<em>

Stan: How long did it take you guys to finish the paper last night?

Kyle: I was up until one in the morning!

Cartman: You suckers actually wrote it?

Charlie: Yeah.

Cartman: Ha, I can't believe it. That was assigned by a SUBSTITUTE teacher, which means that today, Mr. Garrison won't give a crap if we turn it in or not.

_They walk into the classroom. Mrs. Grimm is standing in front of the blackboard._

Cartman: Damn it!

Mrs. Grimm: Excuse me, young man?

Cartman (speaking slowly and enunciating clearly): I said, "DAMN IT."

Mrs. Grimm: You can just march right on down to—

Cartman (walking away, sounding exasperated): I'm going, I'm going.

* * *

><p><em>Cartman sits in the chair in front of the principal's desk. Principal Victoria looks annoyed as she lectures him.<em>

Principal Victoria: You need to learn that cursing in school is NOT okay, Eric.

Cartman (sighing, sounding annoyed): I'm sorry Principal Victoria.

Victoria: Now, I know you don't like your new teacher, but you're just going to have to learn to respect her and obey her rules.

Cartman (looking startled): What was that?

Victoria: I said, I know that you don't like your new teacher, but—

Cartman: Did you say "new teacher"?

Victoria: Oh, didn't you know? I'm sorry, dear, I thought you'd already heard. Mr. Garrison is very sick, and he won't be able to teach again for awhile.

Cartman: And… and... Mrs. Grimm is…?

Victoria: Yes, Mrs. Grimm is filling in for Mr. Garrison while he's gone.

_Cartman stands up and puts his hand to his forehead. He takes a few steps to the left, facing away from the principal._

Cartman: No! This… this can't be happening!

Victoria: Oh dear. You must be very upset about poor Mr. Garrison.

Cartman: This can't happen! [He runs up and puts his hands on Victoria's desk.] Please tell me this isn't really happening!

_Victoria pats him on the head._

Victoria: Maybe you and some of your little friends could visit Mr. Garrison after school today. I'm sure that would make him feel much better.

_The door to the office opens. Kyle, Stan, Charlie, Kenny, Craig, Wendy, Pip, and all the other hat-wearing (or in Kenny's case "hood-wearing") students in the class enter the office. Victoria stares at the large group in surprise._

Victoria: My God! What did all you kids do?

Craig: Mrs. Grimm decided that wearing hats in school was against the rules.

* * *

><p><em>After school, the boys and Charlie walk down the sidewalk. Kenny carries a large gift basket.<em>

Kyle to Cartman: So let me get this straight: we are going to _Mr. Garrison's_ house to ask him to _keep teaching us_? Are you insane?

Cartman: Be honest, Kyle. Who would you rather have for a teacher: creepy, lame-ass Mr. Garrison, or that crabby old bitch with a scorpion up her ass?

_Kyle sighs._

Kyle: Okay, I guess you have a point.

Cartman: Excellent.

_The group walks up to a house and rings the doorbell. Inside, Mr. Garrison is sitting on the couch watching television. He is wearing his normal shirt, but he has a towel around his waist and a bag of ice over his groin._

Mr. Garrison: Come in! It's unlocked!

_The kids enter Mr. Garrison's house. They look surprised by the towel and ice. Mr. Garrison looks surprised that it's them._

Stan: Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: Oh, uh, hello, children.

Charlie: We're sorry you're sick, Mr. Garrison.

Kenny: (We brought you a gift basket.)

Mr. Garrison (looking a bit surprised and slightly suspicious): Oh. Well, thank you, children, that's very considerate of you.

Kyle: So, do you think you'll be coming back to school soon?

Mr. Garrison: I'm afraid not, Kyle.

Stan: Why not?

_Mr. Garrison sighs. Sad/dramatic piano music plays._

Mr. Garrison: Sit down, children.

_The kids sit on either side of him on the couch._

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat will explain everything to you.

Mr. Hat: You see, children, Mr. Garrison can't come back to school for awhile because he's sick.

Kyle: Sick how?

Mr. Hat: Mr. Garrison has a strange disease in his body. Sometimes, this disease makes some certain special male parts of Mr. Garrison's body become sore, swollen, and very, very uncomfortable. It's called "elephantitis."

_The sad music pauses._

Cartman: Whoa, you have elephant balls, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Hat: You shut your fat mouth, Eric Cartman! [The music continues.] Mr. Garrison has elephantitis in his scrotum, which makes it hurt very badly. Very, very badly.

_The boys wince. Charlie looks around at them, confused._

Charlie: What's a scrotum?

Mr. Hat (ignoring her): All of Mr. Garrison's pain and suffering could end with a simple scrotal surgery, but unfortunately, this operation isn't covered under his insurance plan and it is too expensive for him to afford right now.

Kyle: But if you don't work, how will you get the money for your operation?

Mr. Garrison: I don't know yet, Kyle. But I'm in too much pain to teach right now. Kenny, would you be a sport and get me a new bag of ice from the freezer?

_Kenny gets up and walks out of view._

Cartman: What if someone raised enough money to pay for the surgery?

Mr. Garrison: I don't know, kids. Thirty thousand dollars is a lot of money.

_Kenny opens the freezer. It's filled with bags of ice. He gets one and brings it to Mr. Garrison._

Stan: But, just hypothetically, what if someone raised thirty thousand dollars?

Mr. Garrison: Well, as soon as I had the money I could get the surgery. The recovery time is just about a week, so I'd be back to school real soon afterwards.

Cartman: Don't worry, Mr. Garrison. We'll find a way to get you that surgery. Your elephant scrotum will be healed in no time.

_They walk out of Mr. Garrison's house._

Charlie (as they're leaving): Seriously, what's a scrotum?

_They're outside the house. After the door closes, they look at each other._

Kyle: Thirty thousand dollars is a lot of money.

Cartman: I know. We'll all have to work to raise it.

Kenny: (How are we supposed to do that?)

Stan: I don't know. We could have a car wash or something.

Cartman: We could also try to change that damn insurance policy to include scrotum surgery.

Charlie (annoyed): Seriously, you guys! What's a scrotum?

Kenny (as he explains, Charlie looks disgusted): (It's the skin around a boy's testicles. It's the ball-sack. It's very sensitive and tender.)

Charlie (grossed out): …Ewww!

Kenny: (Wanna see?)

Charlie: No, I don't want to see!

Cartman: I'm going to get in touch with some of the guys. We'll meet in my basement at four.

* * *

><p><em>It's just about four. Charlie and Stan ring the doorbell at Cartman's house. Becca answers it.<em>

Becca: Eric says to meet him in the basement.

Charlie: Thanks, Becca.

_They start to walk to the basement._

Becca: Is Kenny coming?

Stan: Yeah, he should be here soon.

Becca: Oh goodie.

_Charlie and Stan walk downstairs. Becca goes to the window and looks outside, where Kenny, Kyle, Tweek, and Butters are all walking down the sidewalk. She starts to jump up and down as they walk to the door. She opens it the instant the doorbell rings._

Becca: Hi Kenny!

Tweek (twitching and shaking): Ah! Where's Cartman?

Becca: He's in the basement.

_As the boys start to walk past, Becca tugs on Kyle's sleeve._

Becca (whispering and pointing at Tweek): What's that kid's problem?

Kyle: That's just Tweek.

Becca: Okay. [She runs over to Kenny and grabs his hand.] Kenny, can we play "wedding" later?

Kyle: Uh, Becca, Kenny has to talk to Cartman right now.

Becca (to Kenny): Eric says your teacher has elephant balls, so I drew a picture for you to give to him.

_She hands Kenny a picture of a man with two elephants playing with balls._

Kenny: (Thanks.)

Becca: I also made you this picture.

_She hands him another picture. This one is of Kenny and Becca holding hands inside a large heart.__They're downstairs by now. Kenny hits his forehead with his hand. Craig, Clyde, and Stan laugh. Cartman looks annoyed._

Cartman: Upstairs, Becca.

Becca: But I want to stay with Kenny. He's my boyfriend, after all.

Kenny: (Your _what_?)

Cartman: NOW, Becca.

_Becca begrudgingly leaves._

Cartman: Let's get down to business. As you all know by now, Mr. Garrison can't teach because of the extremely painful elephantitis in his scrotum. Normally, of course, this would be a good thing, and we'd all have a good laugh about it. But under the circumstances—specifically, because our substitute teacher has a porcupine shoved up her ass—we as students and as human beings have been moved to help Mr. Garrison get this surgery.

Butters: What's a scrotum?

Cartman (putting his hand between his eyes): Oh my God, Butters.

Charlie: It's the skin on your balls.

Butters: The skin on my balls? Poor Mr. Garrison!

Cartman: Exactly. Now, the way I see it, we should be taking two approaches to this problem. One is confrontational: moving to change Mr. Garrison's insurance policy to include scrotal operations. The second option is simply raising the thirty thousand dollars ourselves.

Tweek: Thirty-thirty thousand dollars? Ngha! That's-that's impossible! Ah! We'll be stuck with Mrs. Grimm forever!

Cartman: Not impossible, Tweek, improbable. We have to try. I've divided us into three teams: Kyle, Butters, and Charlie, you work on some fundraising schemes. Clyde, Craig, and Tweek, you go door-to-door and try to raise money. Clyde, teach the others your fake-crying technique, it's killer. Stan, Kenny, and I will work on getting this ridiculous insurance debauchery cleaned up. Now let's move!

* * *

><p><em>Kyle, Charlie, and Butters are in Butters' room. Butters sits at his desk with paper and a pen and Kyle and Charlie are on the floor.<em>

Butters: So, uh, anybody got any ideas for fundraising?

_Kyle tosses a ball from one hand to the other._

Charlie: We could—wait... no, never mind.

_There's a pause._

Butters: Well, uh, what about a bake sale?

Kyle: Butters, that's gay.

Charlie: Well, can you think of anything better?

Kyle: I guess not. But I can't bake.

Charlie: Oh yeah. Neither can I.

Butters: Well, you two are in luck, because I'm the best pastry chef this town has ever seen.

_Kyle and Charlie exchange glances._

Kyle: …Seriously?

Butters: I can make cakes and pies and brownies and cookies and muffins.

Charlie: You realize you can't use an "Easy Bake Oven," right?

Butters: I'm allowed to use the real oven when Mom's around.

_Kyle and Charlie look at each other._

Kyle: Well, we might as well give it a shot.


	3. Ricky Martin Saves Mr Garrison's Balls

**"Elephant Balls"**

* * *

><p><strong>Part 3. Ricky Martin Saves Mr. Garrison's Balls<strong>

* * *

><p><em>Kyle, Charlie, and Butters set up a table outside the Stotch house. There is a poster attached the table that says "Bake Sale." The kids are putting various cakes, cupcakes, cookies, etc. on the table.<em>

Charlie: Okay. Now Kyle and I will man the table. Butters, you keep baking.

Butters: Yes ma'am!

_Butters runs inside. Kyle and Charlie sit down behind the table. After a moment, a woman walks by._

Charlie: Excuse me, ma'am. Would you care to buy something? We're raising money to help pay for our teacher's scrotum surgery.

_The woman looks oddly at the kids and walks away quickly._

Kyle: Maybe she was allergic to gluten.

Charlie: Hey, I never thought of that! [She stands up and shouts back to the house.] BUTTERS!

Butters (peeking out the door): Yeah?

Charlie: Can you make something without flour in it?

Butters: Uh… Sure, I guess.

_A man walks by._

Kyle: Would you like to buy something? All the proceeds go towards scrotum surgery. Our teacher has elephantitis.

Man (annoyed): Ha-ha, very funny, kid.

Charlie: Don't worry, that guy was just a jerk.

_A man and his wife walk up to the table._

Chester: A bake sale?

Marguerite: Oh Chester, how quaint! Should we buy something?

Charlie: All the proceeds go to a good cause.

Chester (smiling, obviously charmed): Really? What cause are you little heroes fundraising for?

Kyle: We're raising money to help pay for our teacher's scrotal surgery.

Chester (no longer smiling): …What?

Charlie: Our teacher has elephantitis in his scrotum and he needs an expensive surgery. Might I recommend the chocolate cupcakes?

_The man and woman hurry away, looking disturbed._

Charlie (as she talks, several people walk by and stare with confused expressions): Damn it! How come every time we tell someone we're raising money to operate on Mr. Garrison's elephant scrotum people walk away and don't buy anything?

Kyle: I don't know. Maybe they've never heard of scrotal elephantitis before, so they don't know for sure that it's really a good cause.

Charlie: I think you're on to something. [She pauses and rubs her chin, thinking.] Hey, I know! [She talks quietly now so no passersby hear her.] We should say that Mr. Garrison has a disease everybody's heard of… like...like brain cancer.

Kyle: You mean we should lie?

Charlie: It's not_ lying_ exactly.

_Kyle looks at her._

Charlie: Well, yeah, it's lying, but it isn't a bad lie. Think of it this way: Mr. Garrison has a serious medical problem and he needs an expensive surgery. We're helping him by raising money for it. In the end, does it really matter what exactly the medical problem is, as long as we're honestly trying to help?

Kyle: I don't know… but I guess that makes some sense.

Charlie: Right!

She takes the "Bake Sale" poster and a marker and adds "RAISING MONEY FOR TEACHER'S BRAIN SURGERY" on the bottom.

Charlie: Now we'll just say the exact same stuff we were saying before, only we'll say "brain" instead of "scrotum" and "cancer" instead of "elephantitis."

_A man walking by stops when he sees the table._

Man: A bake sale? Count me in!

Charlie: All the proceeds will be used for our teacher's brain surgery.

Man: Brain surgery? Good God!

Kyle: He has cancer.

Man: You dear, sweet little angels! I'll buy some of these Snickerdoodle Delights, please! [He hands Charlie fifty dollars.] Please, keep the change. It's… the least I can do. [He shouts to everyone who can hear.] Everyone! These darling children are raising money for their teacher's brain surgery!

_Hordes of people run up to the stand. Kyle and Charlie look at each other. Charlie shrugs and smiles._

* * *

><p><em>The mayor is working at her desk. One of her assistants pokes his head into the room.<em>

Johnson: There are some little boys here to see you, Mayor.

Mayor: Would you _please_ tell these kids I'm not really Aquaman?

Johnson: They say it has something to do with elephantitis.

Mayor: Really? Send them in.

_Cartman, Kenny, and Stan, dressed in suits (Kenny's suit is on over his parka), enter the mayor's office. Cartman is carrying a large easel with a few posters for their presentation. The first poster says, "Who Is a Teacher?"_

Cartman: Thank you for agreeing to meet with us, Mayor McDaniels. By the way, before we start, I LOVED you in _Aquaman_.

Mayor (sighing): Thanks. Continue.

Cartman: Our presentation for you is titled, "Who is a Teacher?" Well, to us, the answer is clear. [He flips to the next poster, which is a drawing of Mr. Garrison.] A teacher is a person who lets you learn and grow without stifling you with constant punishment and unreasonable expectations.

Stan: A teacher is a person who lets you ask questions in class and doesn't give you three-thousand word essays to write overnight.

Kenny: (A teacher is an individual who facilitates both intellectual curiosity and academic excellence through a combination of talking and listening, and playing with a puppet.)

Cartman: A teacher is someone who helps you. But sometimes, it's the teacher who needs help. And we, the students, are here to help him today. In a travesty of injustice, Mr. Garrison's health insurance policy, as offered by the system, does not cover surgeries of the genitals.

Stan: Mr. Garrison has elephantitis in his scrotum. He is in such excruciating pain that he is unable to teach us, his students. The recommended treatment is surgery. But without insurance, this surgery costs $30,000.

* * *

><p><em>Forty-five minutes later…<em>

Kenny: (Don't let this injustice continue. Don't let the students suffer. Don't make Mr. Garrison live with elephant balls for the rest of his life.)

Cartman: Who is a teacher? Mr. Garrison is a teacher. And a teacher deserves the right to have scrotal surgeries included in his health insurance policy. Thank you.

Mayor: Well, that was a very moving presentation, boys. I'm truly touched.

Cartman: So you'll change the policy?

Mayor: I'm afraid I can't do that.

Stan: What?

Mayor: I don't make those sorts of decisions. You'll have to talk to the school board about that.

_They stare at her, shocked._

Cartman (kicking the easel over): Oh, goddamn it!

* * *

><p><em>Kyle runs into the Stotch house and enters the kitchen. Butters looks exhausted and is covered in flour and bits of dough. He's slumped over a pile of dough and a rolling pin on the counter.<em>

Kyle: Dude, you've got to hurry up! We're running out of stuff!

Butters: I'm tryin', I'm tryin'. I've been baking for seven hours already.

Kyle: Yeah, and you're doing a great job, but we've got a whole crap-load of hungry people out there who want to feel good about themselves by buying baked goods for a worthy cause.

Butters: I know. I'll try harder.

Kyle: And make some more of those snickerdoodles. People love those.

_Kyle goes back outside. Charlie is still at the table, looking frazzled. There are a good thirty people standing around the table, some holding out cash._

Man: I want the almond brownies!

Woman: Can I have the chocolate cupcakes?

Kyle: People! We're starting to run low on baked goods! Our chef is working but we're having trouble keeping up with the demand! Remember: we accept donations!

Man #2: What good are donations without sugar cookies to show for it?

Charlie: [She looks up at the crowd with a sad expression.] Well, what good are sugar cookies with a malignant tumor in your brain? How can you enjoy cookies and brownies when our poor, poor teacher is wasting away from the chemotherapy on a respirator? [She tears up.] You can have your snickerdoodles and frosted cupcakes, but remember: while you eat your sugary pastries, our teacher could be drawing his last breath and _dying_. Of _brain cancer_.

_The people have all stopped talking._

Woman #2: ...She's right! We're so selfish!

Man #3: It takes the wisdom of a child to show us where our priorities should be. I'm emptying my wallet for these children right now, and if you people don't do the same… well... Have fun burning in Hell!

_The crowd starts handing fistfuls of money to Charlie (who smiles with satisfaction) and Kyle (who looks conflicted over the whole thing)._

* * *

><p><em>It's later that same night. Cartman, Stan, Kenny, Kyle, Charlie, Butters, Tweek, Craig, and Clyde are once again in Cartman's basement. Becca is downstairs, distributing birthday party invitations to Butters, Tweek, Craig, and Clyde.<em>

Becca: It's on Sunday and it's monkey-themed.

Cartman: Thank you, Becca. Now go away.

Becca: Bye, Kenny!

_She goes upstairs._

Cartman: Well, our campaign to the Mayor was a bust. It turns out we'll have to direct our appeal to the school board, which isn't meeting again until next Tuesday. Clyde, could you give an update on your group's progress?

Clyde: Well, I made $28, Craig made $34, and Tweek got $15 from his parents.

Cartman (putting a hand to his head in frustration): [Sigh.] Tweek, you didn't go door-to-door?

Tweek (shaking and pulling on his hair): I couldn't do it, man! Too much pressure!

Cartman: Charlie. Give me good news. Please.

_Kyle and Charlie lift up and dump a large bucket of money onto the table. The rest of the kids stare at it with awe. Charlie looks pleased with herself._

Charlie: This is $3,226.

_There is a long pause._

Cartman: …What?

Charlie: I said, we made $3,226.

Stan: ...I thought you said you were doing a_ bake __sale_!

Charlie: We did. We had the most epic bake sale in bake sale history.

Kyle: Okay, everyone, stop for a second. [He sighs and looks down guiltily.] We shouldn't have made this much money.

Cartman: What do you mean you "shouldn't have made this much money"?

Kyle: We made this much money because Charlie lied and said that Mr. Garrison needed surgery because he was dying of brain cancer. She got all these people to give money without even buying anything.

_Charlie looks both embarrassed and annoyed._

Cartman: Charlie, is this true?

Charlie: …Technically, yeah, I guess.

_Cartman walks up to Charlie._

Cartman: It's so devious. So...unethical. It's just bad enough to be evil, but not quite bad enough to be_ illegal_.

_He hugs her._

Cartman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. _You are my wings_.

Charlie: I'm your _what_?

Cartman: Change of plans! From now on, everyone is working the bake sale. Now who here can bake?

Butters: I did all the baking today.

Cartman: Normally, I'd say Charlie should get her bitch ass in the kitchen with you, but given the circumstances, I won't.

Charlie (sarcastically): Aw, how considerate.

Cartman: I'm seriously, who else can cook?

Kenny: (I can make some sweet-ass brownies.)

Tweek: Ah! I'll help! I-ngh!-I can't deal with customers. It's too much pressure!

* * *

><p><em>Cartman and Craig sit at a bake sale table by Cartman's house. People crowd around the table, waving money.<em>

Craig: Thank you. Our poor teacher appreciates your support.

Cartman (loudly): I just hope we're not too late! If we don't raise the thirty thousand dollars soon, he will surely die!

* * *

><p><em>Stan and Clyde are at a table by Clyde's house. There are people swarming this table too.<em>

Clyde: Thanks, our cancer-stricken teacher appreciates your donations.

Stan (quietly to Clyde): Dude, are you sure this is okay?

Clyde: Honestly, if it means we get rid of that bitch substitute, I don't really give a shit.

* * *

><p><em>Charlie and Kyle's table, still in front of the Stotch house, has the most visitors. The Channel 4 news crew is there.<em>

Creamy Goodness: I'm here reporting on the story of nine South Park children who are holding a bake sale to raise funds for their teacher's brain surgery. Usually, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Clyde Donovan, Kenny McCormick, Charlie Pierzynski, Butters Stotch, Tweek Tweak, and Craig Tucker are normal third-grade students. But after they learned that their teacher had been diagnosed with late-stage brain cancer, they were no longer content with their passive roles as students. Today, they are heroes.

Man (being interviewed): These children really opened my eyes to how every person can make a difference in the world.

Woman (being interviewed): Those kids are angels, absolute angels.

Creamy Goodness: Bake-sale-participant Eric Cartman credits eight-year-old Charlie Pierzynski with suggesting the bake sale.

Cartman (being interviewed): Even though she's a girl, that kid has the biggest balls I've ever seen. Well, the biggest balls not infected with elephantitis, that is.

* * *

><p><em>Mr. Garrison sits on his couch, watching the news report.<em>

Mr. Garrison: Oh my God. Those dirty little liars.

Mr. Hat: We ought to kick some sense into those little fuckers.

Mr. Garrison: Not now, Mr. Hat. I don't think my balls have ever been in this much pain.

_There's a knock at the door._

Mr. Garrison: It's unlocked! Come in!

The nine bake sale kids, along with dozens of other townspeople, come rushing into the house.

Mr. Garrison: What the-?

Cartman: We did it, Mr. Garrison! We raised enough money for your surgery!

Mr. Garrison: With a bake sale?

Cartman: Yeah! You should've seen it! Ricky Martin heard about the bake sale on the news, so he came to my stand and bought a plate of cookies for fifteen thousand dollars!

Mr. Garrison (suddenly looking pleased): Ricky Martin gave fifteen thousand dollars to save my balls?

Cartman: Technically, Ricky Martin gave fifteen thousand dollars to save your _brain_.

Man: Let's get you to the hospital! You've got a big surgery ahead of you!

_The crowd lifts up Mr. Garrison, who starts yelling in pain, and carries him out of the house._

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_In the hospital, Mr. Garrison lies in a bed after undergoing surgery. There are dozens of people in the room, including the kids from the bake sale._

Mr. Garrison: I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your help.

Woman: I can't believe how quickly you seem to be recovering!

Man: Yeah, how is he speaking again already? He just got out of brain surgery two hours ago.

Kyle: He didn't have brain surgery, you idiots!

Woman: What?

Mr. Garrison: Kyle's right. I don't have brain cancer. I have elephantitis.

Man: Elephantitis?

Mr. Garrison: In my scrotum.

Man: ...Isn't that a good thing?

Mr. Garrison: Trust me, it's not nearly as nice as it sounds.

Woman: I can't believe it! I donated $200 for [pointing at Mr. Garrison] this freak to get surgery on his balls? These kids lied to us!

Charlie: Only because you people wouldn't buy anything when we told you the truth!

Mr. Garrison: That doesn't make it right, Charlotte.

Charlie: I know. [She sighs, then says to the angry townspeople] I'm sorry, everybody.

_All of the townspeople look pissed off and walk away. One of them pops a bouquet of "Get well soon" balloons as he leaves_.

Kyle: You know, I think I learned something today.

Stan: What's that?

Kyle: It's never okay to lie, even if you think it's for a good cause. It always leads to trouble.

Cartman: Well, it worked out okay this time, didn't it?

Stan: Yeah, I guess it did. Mr. Garrison got his surgery and soon we'll get that stupid bitch out of the classroom.

Charlie: So I guess we learned that lying is okay, because it all works out in the end.

Kids: Hooray!

Mr. Garrison: Now, kids, I don't think that's a good—

Cartman: Crap! I almost forgot that today is Becca's birthday party!

Charlie: Sorry, Mr. Garrison! We have to go!

The kids all leave the room.

Mr. Garrison: So I guess it's just you and me again, Mr. Hat.

Mr. Hat: How do your balls feel, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: Sore and swollen.

Mr. Hat: That's a bitch, ain't it?

* * *

><p><em>The nine kids, Ike Broflovski, and Karen McCormick sit around a table at the Cartman house. Becca sits at the end of the table. Ms. Cartman places a cake in the shape of a monkey's head in front of Becca. It has five candles. They are finishing singing "Happy Birthday."<em>

All (singing): …_Happy birthday, dear Becca. Happy birthday to you._

_Becca blows out the candles and Ms. Cartman starts cutting the cake. Becca smiles at her guests, then frowns and hops out of her seat. She walks up to Kenny._

Becca: Kenny, can I talk to you for a minute?

_Kenny looks uncomfortable, but Becca grabs his hand and walks with him to the living room. Charlie and Kyle inconspicuously follow them. Once there, Becca takes a deep breath and looks down._

Becca: I'm sorry, Kenny. I can't go on like this. I… I'm just tired of living a lie. [She turns her back to him dramatically.] It's not that you haven't been good to me. You have. It's just… there's someone else. [She turns back around to face him.] Please don't hate me Kenny. I still have feelings for you. In a way, maybe I always will. But I think it'd be best if we parted ways, at least for now.

Kenny: (Okay!)

_Becca grabs Kenny by the front of his jacket, kisses him on the lips, then hurries away. Charlie and Kyle both gasp. Kenny stares after Becca, baffled. Cartman walks up to him, looking pissed, as he wipes the kiss off his face._

Cartman: Kenny! You dirty bastard!

_He leaps at Kenny and they both fall down. Cartman attacks Kenny, who is struggling to get out. Charlie and Kyle look surprised but don't do anything. After a few seconds, Kenny gets Cartman off and they both stand up. Cartman still looks furious._

Cartman: You keep your dirty hands away from Becca, or I swear to God, I will rip your nuts off!

_Cartman walks away. Kenny signs "fuck you" arm thing and walks away in the other direction. Charlie sighs._

Charlie: I can't believe it. My five-year-old sister had her first kiss before I did. [She sighs again.] Son-of-a-bitch.

* * *

><p><em>At the end of the party, Becca walks up to Butters, who is coloring at the table.<em>

Becca (grinning): Hi Butters.

Butters: Oh, hello, birthday girl. I just drew you a picture. It's a monkey, see?

_Becca gasps in delight as she takes the picture._

Becca: I will treasure it always.

Butters: Huh?

_Becca grabs his hand and walks away with him._

Becca: You're my new boyfriend. We're going to have so much fun together!

* * *

><p>THE END<p> 


End file.
